So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we should paint friendship bongs
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
