ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
