Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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