My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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