someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
