i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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