I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
