The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
