My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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