I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
