I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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