he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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