so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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