She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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