How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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