So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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