Plan B is the new Plan A
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
