There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
