Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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