i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
