sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
