How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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