I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I love you. Go after that dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
