I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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