why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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