morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Let's paint friendship bongs
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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