She went from zero to smokin in five shots
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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