There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
