i just sent this text using only my big toe
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
