Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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