wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
