Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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