Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
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We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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