you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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