I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
