Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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