This dress was meant to end up on your floor
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
