Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
