did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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