Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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