Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
