Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize