During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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