i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
