I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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