If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
