ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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