My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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