The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
