proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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