gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
