Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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