right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
