I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
