she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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