i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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