I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
