I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
