Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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